Redirecting to the Lord

If I were to read through my posts from this past year, I would not be surprised at seeing an ongoing motif running through them about tiredness and being burnt out. And as this Spring quarter continues, I feel like those same things applied for right now.

Friday afternoon following class I headed off with some friends and fellow Cru leaders to Escondido out in the middle of nowhere for a quick overnight retreat in preparation for next year. I don't mind saying that I have been mentally weary and in a relatively negative mood the last week or so. I don't always show it overtly but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings on the inside. It makes me realize more and more that spiritual warfare is something real. We are fighting a war here on earth. The devil is trying to get under our skin, whisper lies in our ears, and turn us into bitter people.

When I see tinges of that in myself it's rather disheartening and even a bit frightening. In fact, I brought some of that negativity into the weekend with it fully acknowledged, but it turned out to be a positive time. After the tough weeks and the daily grind, here was a kind of oasis that interestingly enough reminded me so much of our residence in Puerto Rico.

Although the humidity was traded for a gloomy chill, the home we were at was situated on a hill with wildlife and nature as far as the eye could see. There was a hammock and frogs croaked the night away like the coquis in PR. Although it was only for a day, we also had similar dynamics with meals together, recreation together, and most importantly time in the word and prayer realigning ourselves with God's vision for our campus together.

There was something soothing about it. Everything from getting to play ping pong late into the night, to waking up early after a lack of sleep on the hard floor and finishing off the book of Job. It was what I needed yet again and I was happy to share it with friends.

I certainly have not remedied all the thoughts plaguing me and I have not completely gotten rid of my burn out, but I was given a bit of rejuvenation. One passage we read in 1 Samuel 17 really stuck out to me for a several reasons and I will close with a few thoughts on it.

This passage is the famous account of David fighting the Philistine giant Goliath. Aside from the obvious conclusions that can be made about the crazy odds, there is a lot more that stuck out from this story. In essence it is not even David who is fighting Goliath, but God who is everything in the situation. In verses 45-47 David calls upon the name of the Lord to deliver Goliath into his hands so that the whole world may know His might. It is done for the glory of God.

Also, in this passage there also seems to be almost as much opposition to David from the Israelites as the Philistines. First, his older brothers are angry for him coming to see the fighting and then the king Saul has little faith in his ability as a warrior. The conflict is not as clear cut as good versus evil here. Furthermore, so often we take the moral of this story as being that each of us has giants that we are facing that we can take down even if we are as small as David. The inherent conclusion from this however should be that it is not about us really at all. The story of David is again all about God and his great power. As humans we make all of these Biblical stories human-centric. After all that's how they become relatable to our own lives. However, we cannot just stop there, but we must acknowledge that everything we do is for the glory of God and every obstacle we face is insignificant in comparison to His power and how much He loves us.

That doesn't mean that everything will be nice and rosy, or that we will do everything right and slay every giant. Look at David as exhibit A. He may have been filled with the spirit, but he was chased by King Saul as a young man and later on in his life he stole another man's wife for his own. It exemplifies that not everything went great for David and he certainly was not a righteous man all his years. But God does not see him as a sum of his parts, but simply as one of his own who had great faith. So what's the answer? A simple one that a friend recently reminded me of is that we need to redirect to the Lord and lean on Him. He is enough.

I went on a tangent once more, but it shows that this weekend was a good one! It gave me lots to think about.

All the  Glory be His

Veritas

Very simply put Veritas is Latin for "truth." It seems like an apt title for the Veritas Forum which looks to develop respectable and thought provoking discussion between Christians, Atheists, and people of all worldviews. Honestly, it's one of my favorite events at UCSD, because I think it is essence the perfect forum of debate for this campus full of deep thinkers and curious skeptics.

Representing the Christian perspective was Dr. John Lennox who not only is an esteemed thinker and debater, but simply a genuinely kind man. He and Dr. Christenfeld had numerous interesting things to say and I mulled through many ideas in my brain until I could hardly contain it all.

I think one thing that Dr. Lennox ended with really struck a chord with me and it paralleled another "aha" moment I had earlier this year. He made his Christian perspective relevant to UCSD by referencing our snake path that wraps around a small so-called "Garden of Eden" and leads up to the famed Geisel Library. I think he said something to the effect that it was the most brilliant misinterpretation of scripture ever and he went on to explain...

The inference or error that is often made is that God deprived humanity of knowledge, but if we go back to Genesis He actually tells them not to eat from the tree of good and evil. That is a whole different story in a sense and by setting up this situation God also gave humanity a choice. He gave us free will.

Certainly this is the fall, but as I was reminded even at the Crossroad conference by James White, although we stumble, we ultimately stomp the serpent on the head, because of what Christ has done on our behalf. It's strange I have never thought of that going up the snake path, but I doubt that symbolism will leave me anytime soon.

There were so deep assertions and point being made. Although I tried to latch onto many, this relatively simple truth stuck with me. But then I guess Veritas was a success from my point of view because it exposed me to even a fragment of truth. I would say that's an evening well spent.

All the Glory to Him.

The Wonderlands

Song List

Terminal
Resurrect Me
Vice Verses
Just Rob Me
Sorrow
Southbound Train
Caroline
Patron Saint of Rock and Roll
Dare You To Move
Your Love is Strong
Royals
Only Hope
You Don't Know How Beautiful You Are
Lean on Me

Discovered Thoughts from a Year Ago

• I really appreciate Micah being w/ me when I first heard the news. It was such a shock though I had a sneaking suspicion. I didn't need someone to talk to me. Just the fact that he was there in my grief was enough.
• Syd and Amy really showed me compassion through their words and their hugs. David and Sam did not have to say anything for me to merely appreciate them. Having Micah pray over me was a major comfort b/c he acknowledged the main thing that was nagging at me.
• During the evening I realized that I was more concerned to clinging to the Lord and acknowledging who He is, I guess that is good.
• Although Joe did not know much I think Syd texted everyone. Just to have tim to talk to and listen was nice.
• Jess also comforted me and spoke truth into my life in light of scripture as well as showing me physical touch.
• Meghan did not have to say much but just to have her physical touch was comforting.
• I appreciated the hugs from Carina + Bella
• My mind was easily distracted the first days.
• At times I felt numb to the pain though since I didn't want to accept it
• A lot of people like Jess, Syd, Carina, David, Sam, Micah, and Meghan have checked in on me
• It was comforting to talk w/ J-nar, Shun, and Adam but I would still like to hear from more.
• I hope I can minister to people through this situation
• In one sense I don't want to feel guilty for grieving but at some point I need to move on.
• I wish that people keep checking in w/ me b/c I think I will feel this way the rest of the trip.
• I am thankful that the Lord has cleared my mind talking to students. Team times and drives are still hard

Thoughts on Soren Kierkegaard

I have always found Soren Kierkegaard to be a curious figure. He is an enigma in a sense, so different than me and yet he shares some of my core beliefs. Perhaps most interesting of all he is a Christian existentialist which in my limited knowledge seems like a paradox. However, that's what always drew me to him, because he seemed like such a complex figure, acknowledging many of the feelings and questions difficult for humanity. He talked about anxiety,  faith, fear and trembling. But he also drew conclusions on these issues thanks to his own faith that helped shine some light on my own life.

In order to get a clearer picture of his ideas, instead of just reading snippets and quotations, I picked up The Essential Kierkegaard. I did not read all the sections, but I did read several pieces including Fear and Trembling which is usually cited as one of his more prominent works as far as I know.

Now Kierkegaard is obviously a very intelligent man who seems to have knowledge in all sorts of areas. That being said, I'm usually only able to comprehend about a third of what he says, and I have a feeling that it does not have to due with the quality of the translation.

His thoughts are just that deep and sometimes hard to me to grasp as they weave back and forth, reiterating points and building up his analysis. It can be pretty dense stuff and so at times it got me wondering why I was even trying to pick anything out of these pages. Rather ironically, it seemed hopeless trying to learn something from a Christian existentialist. It felt too far above me. Dare I say pointless. 

However, Kierkegaard did have some things that really stuck with me. I cannot hope to convey the ideas like he did, but I will try my best to give you the dumbed down version of what he led me to think about.

In talking about faith, Kierkegaard seems to acknowledge that people used to spend a whole lifetime striving and working towards faith. However, he points out that even in his age people are unwilling to stop at faith, because they want to go further. They want to know more, since faith by itself is seen as lowly, uncouth, and uneducated to name a few descriptions. That's what makes it interesting that such a well-thought out figure like Kierkegaard seems to suggest the importance of faith. He cites the example of Abraham as a true picture of a man who had complete faith in God, when in many ways it would not make sense to. He was told to kill his son for goodness sake, and yet ultimately this simple element of faith served him well and the Lord blessed him (Fear and Trembling).

Here's an excerpt from one of his journal entries:

"What I really need is to get clear about what I am to do, not what I must know, except insofar as knowledge must precede every act. What matters is to find my purpose, to see what it really is that God wills that I shall do; the crucial thing is to find a truth that is truth for me, to find the idea for which I am willing to live and die. Of what use would it be to me to discover a so-called objective truth, to work through the philosophical systems so that i could, if asked, make critical judgments about them, could point out the fallacies in each system; of what use would it be to me to be able to develop a theory of the state, getting details from various sources and combining them into a whole, and constructing a world I did not live in but merely held up for other to see; of what use would it be to me to be able to formulate the meaning of Christianity, to be able to explain many specific points--if it had no deeper meaning for me and for my life... I certainly do not deny that I still accept the imperative of knowledge and that through it men may be influenced, but then it must come alive in me, and this is what I now recognize as the most important of all" ~ Journal Entry August 1, 1835.

I really appreciate these words from Kierkegaard, because a lot of what he is saying about truth and even philosophy or knowledge really resonates with me on a very personal level. I am no where near his intellect, but I do still believe knowledge is a good thing. As a Christian it is important to be able to articulate and back up your faith. However, sometimes I get tired of talking philosophy or even theology, because at the end of the day is it really doing anything? Whether it's between Christians or a Christian and a non-Christian, does it accomplish anything? Maybe, but a lot of the times it's the conversations on a more personal, human level that matter and have practical impact on our lives. I really appreciate those types of conversations and those types of interactions.

As someone who has also spent a lot of time on UCSD's campus I see a lot of people who understandably want absolute truth or all the empirical evidence and what have you for Christianity and the Gospel. Those certainly are not bad things for Christians and non-Christians alike to look into, but I think Kiergekaard also seems to suggest that this cannot be our only outlet. As I have said before it's a lot different to know something and then to actually experience it in our lives. Thus, there cannot just be a pure and simple search for the truth behind the Bible. It seems that their must also be a faith aspect and something inside of us that makes us want to "come alive", because we can only get so far on the rational truth. At some point, no matter how much evidence we accrue, we must simply believe.

We also are meant to be imitators of Christ not just observers or admirers like someone looking a painting from a distance away. In a sense we are called to walk in the path He has created already -- walking in his footsteps and reflecting qualities that make us more and more like Christ. Kierkegaard seems to suggest that is the problem with his contemporary teaching and sermons. These were nice observations to be made about Christ and the Bible, but at the end of the day, there was no impact on Christian believers. Sometimes I can see how that can still be a problem to this day (Practice in Christianity). 

Here are the pieces I attempted to Read: Fear and Trembling, Christian Discourse, Practice in Christianity, Concept of Anxiety, and some of his journal entries. 

Some other reading: Kierkegaard and More Kierkegaard

I would encourage you to at least look into the works of Kierkegaard, because if I can attempt to get something out of his work, I'm sure others could too.

All the glory be His.